Letting go of the rope

A number of years ago, in a crowded bar some friends of mine were talking about letting go of a rope. I had no idea what they meant, and so inquired. They said they were talking about becoming a professional artist, how much it was like hang gliding. They described a boat towing the glider in the sky, and then you release the rope and fly on your own. They said that as long as the boat was towing you, you could never experience the exhilaration of flying.

As they described this, I broke out in a sweat. It's a thrilling, apt and terrible analogy - all at once. And so began my descent into denial.

• You don't have to be a professional to be an artist. (very true)
• Professional artists have to sell out. (compromising is part of any business)
• The skills that are necessary to be an actor are the opposite of what's needed to become a professional. (and that my friends is why the support industries started)

I said all those things and about 10 more years worth of arguments against. And then five years ago, I accidentally fell into the professional world slightly again. What ensued was nothing short of self-sabotage, if I'm being honest. I started getting some notice, hooked up with an agent who said, "We can do this". I followed that with moving out of town and breaking the entire structure of my life: left my cheap apartment, centrally located; put everything in storage; cashed out my 401(k) and moved into my parents spare room.

Sure it was a cop out. But I'm going to state here and now that I think that was a necessary journey for me. I needed to do that to decide for myself where I was going, and also to rebuild the structure so that it was secure. Now I have an amazing boyfriend and home life, solid friendships, a killer agency repping me.

How do these two stories fit together? They don't. It's a mixed metaphor at best. I've tried writing this post for almost three months and each time it gets worse. So -- honestly -- the only tie together is that they both are about going professional and about my life right now...

Oh also, I'm letting go of the rope.